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May 29, 2008
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Today, I have a new story to tell you, a tale that began so long ago but crosses over many centuries.  This is not a story of forbidden love, nor is it a tale of a world consuming darkness, or of a world conquering madman but rather a tale of food...  And eternal life.

Long ago, Yumm was a tiny village in the middle of vast plains, nowhere near as large or famous as the sprawling resort city it is famous as today.  It was a quaint, quiet place, a favorite place for chefs to come and ponder their newest recipe when the hustle and bustle of the city became too overwhelming and distracting.  Some chefs loved Yumm’s peaceful environment so much that theydecided to remain there to further hone their cooking skills, opening up cozy bakeries and restaurants where they could serve their wonderful recipes without the pressure and angry customers that came with crowded villages.  Yet while the chefs that flocked to Yumm were skilled in the art of food, only one’s name and story managed to become legendary.  

Gordon Bleu was intrigued by all sorts of food, his culinary fascination allowing him to serve as  an accomplished chef, having served for royalty and nobility  in all corners of the world.  He was most intrigued, however, by mystical meals he learned about in his school days, those that could cure any sickness, bestow a diner with incredible power, or even make whomever munched upon it immortal.  One day his heart was filled with so many romantic tales of foo that, without a word, Gordon Bleu shut down his restaurant, locking it tightly, and embarked on a worldwide journey to catalogue all of the incredible dinners and magical snacks to make sure that they would never disappear into time having gone completely unknown by the whole world.  With a pen and notebook in his backpack he gathered recipes from hidden jungle tribes, wrote enscribed and translated ancient hieroglyphics that detailed forbidden foods, and scoured libraries for long lost cook books on the off chance that they may contain a rare recipe.  

After spending years traveling the world Gordon returned to Yumm to find it a changed village, a busy city in which the rich no longer visited to dine, but rather stayed to dine, setting up an upper class neighborhood of mansions and summer cottages so that they would never have to be too far from their fine dining.  It was a shock to Gordon to return to his beloved home town to find it so different in such a short time but he coped, its hustle and bustle entirely unfamiliar, but he still reopened his restaurant to a hungry clientele who had waited very long for a chance to savor the cooking of such a renowned chef.  It was a frantic way of living, with his diner impossible to enter without reserving months beforehand, but Gordon always felt satisfied knowing that he was helping introduce so many people to such wonderful tastes.





“Oh...  My head...  I...  What happened?” Princess Toadstool’s vision was blurry as she slowly regained consciousness, but, fuzziness aside, she quickly realized that something was terribly, terribly off about her surroundings.  As her sight grew clearer she realized that this was not her room in the illustrious Yummopolis Inn.  It was a large and well decorated suite, yet every piece of furniture or accessory within it was a hue of gray, black, or brown, creating an absolutely dismally depressing atmosphere.  “W...  Where am I?” Peach stood up and brushed off her dress, her head dully aching, aggravated by the cold-hearted color scheme.  “Mario!  Luigi!” She called out for her heroes as she rubbed her eyes, hoping for some response.  “B...  Bowser? Anyone!” She called out for any familiar name, feeling the presence of others in the room.  She was not alone, she could tell, but was she with friends or foes?

“Oww...  It still feels like a Chomp’s been munching on my head...” It seemed that whoever else was in the room had also been brutishly knocked out, and they were slowly coming too, in as much discomfort as Peach.  One of them, a young Goomba girl with a pony tail and explorer’s outfit, had already been awake for a while and had been waiting for everyone else to wake up, her head still aching after so long.  “W...  Who’s there?” Peach jolted around.  “You sound familiar for some reason!”

“Wait... Wait a second...” Peach turned around to find a group of girls lying sprawled out across the ground, each and everyone one of them familiar to her, having been involved in one of Mario’s adventures in one way or another.  “You adventured with Mario, didn’t you?  You helped him to rescue me from Grodus, right?”

“Umm...” Goombella was somewhat shocked at this turn events.  First, she and her friends had came to Yummopolis on vacation to pass the time and recollect their adventures, funded by the rich Lady Bow, who was just as interested as hearing about Mario’s adventures in Rogueport as they were interested in hearing about her journey alongside Mario to rescue to the Star Spirits.  Not too soon after arriving in Yummopolis, however, the four former partners found themselves surrounded by a group of thugs.  They tried their hardest to fight back but it had been so long since they had fought alongside Mario that they were overwhelmed by the sheer number of baddies, especially when their leader joined the fray.  The had never expected a samurai clad in a chef coat to be such a formidable enemy, but with one sprinkle of spice into the air they were all knocked out.  What was more startling, however, was waking up to find Princess Peach in the same room. “Yeah, my name is Goombella.  I was here on vacation with some friends, and...” She sighed, looking back to see that her companions had still not awaken.  “We were bumrushed by a bunch of goons and now we’re here!  But enough about me...  How did YOU end up here Peach?”

“Bumrushed?  Goons?” Peach shook her head.  “You seem to be able to remember this better than I can...  It’s all still a blur to me.”

“Well...  Hopefully we’ll be able to figure things out better soon, but first we have to make sure that everyone else is okay.” Goombella rose up and scanned the room, before finding Vivian resting on the floor, still unconscious.  “Vivian!” She nudged the sleeping Shadow Siren, pushing her lightly in an effort to get a response out of her.  “Wake up Vivian, I need to know if you’re all right!”

“G...Goombella...  What happened?” Vivian stirred as she floated upright, frowning, having not quite recovered from the attack, aching all over.  “Who was that that attacked us back there and...  Where are we?  Is everyone all right?”

“I’m not too sure myself...” Goombella replied.  “It looks like you’re fine, though...  That’s a good sigh.”

“Well...” Flurrie, who had been lying belly up on the floor slowly stood up, brushing her mussed up hair.  “... At least whoever beat us up had the decency to throw us into a nice room like this instead of some dingy dungeon!”

“I’ll say...” Lady Bow was the next to awake, wobbling about in the air as she tried her best to stay afloat, still dizzy from the assault.  “At least this place has a bed!  I couldn’t stand if I had to sleep on the cold, cold floor!”

“You really do have all the right priorities!” Flurrie chuckled as she floated into one of the beds, lying down on her side and resting her head on her hands.  “If it weren’t for such drab design this room would be really nice!”

“Oh, indeed!” Bow floated around the room.  “It even has a mini fridge!  How chic!” She opened it up and looked through it.  “Here, I’ll grab you girls some Kero Kero Cola, it’ll help to wake you right up!” Bow dispersed the cans amongst the five ladies who lightly sipped them, finding themselves startlingly thirsty after their imprisonment, eventually gulping their sodas down.

“We should save the rest for the other two when they wake up.” Vivian set her empty can of cola aside.  

“You’re right, Vivian.  If they’re anywhere as thirsty as we are they’re going to need a pick me up!”  Goombella nodded her head as she walked to the back of the room.

“There’s two more?” Peach inquired as she followed Goombella.  “This just gets stranger and stranger!”

“Yeah, but these two...  I have no idea where they could be from...  They don’t look like anyone I’ve ever seen.  I’d definitely say that they’re not from the Mushroom Kingdom or Rogueport.”

“Did you manage to get their names?” Peach asked as she grabbed a pair of Kero Kero Cola for the last two guests.

“Nope.  Last time I checked they were still knocked out so I’ve got nothin-“ Before Goombella could continue her train of thought was interrupted by a loud yell.

“He ripped my dress!  He ripped my dress that monster!  Next time I see that seafood face I’m going to tear his head off!”

“Well, it looks like they’re awake and they’re a loud one...” Goombella groaned, her throbbing headache returning as the loud screeching raked against her brain cells.  “How wonderful...”

“Wait...  I think I know that voice too!” Peach gasped, nearly dropping the cans of Kero Kero Cola, stunned as the coincidences grew more and more bizarre.

“Is this a kidnapping or a reunion?” Goombella rolled her eyes and scampered after Peach, who could barely gasp when she saw Count Bleck’s former minion, Mimi, standing nearby, grabbing at her dress and gnashing her teeth as she inspected it for any loose threads or dust.

“Mimi?” Peach called out, catching the bratty shape shifter’s attention.

“W...  Wait a second...” Mimi immediately let go of her dress and looked up.  “What in the world...  I never invited Peach to this vacation!  How did she end up here?” Mimi pouted, stomping her feet.  “And who decorated this room?  I’ve seen prettier colors on a news paper!  Nastasia, did you let O’Chunks book the hotel?  What’s going on Nastasi..a!” Mimi turned around, expecting to see Nastasia standing at her side, only to find her sprawled out on the floor, unconscious.  “N...  Nastasia!  What happened to you!  Wake up!” Mimi grabbed Nastasia’s shoulders and lifted her off the ground shaking her.

“I...  I...  I’m awake!” Nastasia’s eyes bolted open as Mimi continued shaking around, nearly causing Nastasia’s glasses to fall off her face.  “And...  If you don’t...  Stop shaking...  Me... I’m docking your...  Hours!”

“Mimi, she’s awake!  You can stop now!” Peach yelled out, as Mimi continued shaking.

“But now I’m doing it because she docked my hours!  How will I afford those new shoes now?”Mimi pouted, stuck in a tantrum, before calming down and setting Nastasia down on the bed, the dizzy woman’s face more green than its usual blue.  “Hey, wait a second...  Where’s O’Chunks!  He’s still holding onto my purse!”

“You do have a point, where is O’Chunks?” Nastasia adjusted her glasses and her hair as she stood up to investigate the room.  “And...  Umm, this definitely isn’t the room we booked, no way.  For starters it doesn’t look anything like it did on the website, and then there’s this whole over booking issue, kay...?” Nastasia looked at Peach and the other four girls, who were now at our side.  “Yeah, I’m pretty sure that this hotel’s regulations don’t allow so many occupants in a room at once, so maybe you girls could do me a favor and help me rectify this situation ASAP before I have to call my travel agen- Princess Peach?”

“Nastasia?  You and Mimi are here too?  This just gets stranger and stranger but...  It’s really good to see some familiar faces!  Still...  Where are we?”

“This is just terrible!  Our vacation is ruined!  Ruined!  I get one week off and some doody head loser has to screw it all up!” Mimi stomped her feet, steaming in anger.

“A doody head, you say?  This language just cannot do...” Mimi felt a chill run down her spine, her voice box locking up tightly upon hearing a deep, aristocratic voice oozing into the room.  “I’ve been called many things over the centuries but...  Doody head is something new.”

“W...  Who are you?” Peach shivered as she turned around, hearing the first completely unfamiliar voice of the day, one that filled her with worry.

“I know who it is!” Goombella snarled.  “You have to be the one responsible for this!” She accused.  

“I haven’t even introduced myself and I’m already being blamed for your misfortune...” The spindly figure blink as he whispily entered the room, his curly white moustache hanging low on his face, twisting up into a spiral just below his shoulders.  His eyes were sunken and bitter with his frowning mouth resting amidst the well groomed white out of hair.  He wore an impossibly sharp suit and cape that accommodated well his unbelievably spindly and angular body.  Even his top hat was as emaciated looking as he, just as crooked as the character he emitted.  He adjusted his monocle as he looked down at his captives.   “My name is Baron Bitter.” He stated, bowing.  “I am a man of great wealth, but unfortunately...  These days I lack in taste.”

“Oh, I do agree with that!” Bow scoffed. “This decor, it’s...  It’s almost as glum looking as you!” Bow’s observation was spot on, as the Baron, who not only dressed in gray, even had withered gray skin, just a few hues away from being paler than paper.  Even his attitude and the manner in which he carried himself exuded chilliness. Baron Bitter smiled weakly, expressing more distaste than humor.

“You have me wrong, Lady Bow.” He said, tapping his cane on the ground.  “You should recognize some of this decor quickly...  I’d say that the youngest piece here is a fine two hundred years old.  I would know.  I was there when I bought it.”

“You can’t be serious!” Peach shouted in disbelief.  “You...  You look old but not THAT old!  I don’t think anybody could live that long!”

“No, he...  He might be right!” Goombella gasped as she inspected one of the paintings on the wall.  “This work of art here...  Not only is it an original but it has to be two hundred years old given all of the wear and tear!”

“That...  That doesn’t make any sense at all!” Nastasia yelled, her heart racing in shock.  “That goes against everything I’ve ever known!”

“It should...” The Baron chuckled, tapping his cane on the ground.  “I have a bad habit of going against all common logic, after all...  And trust me, it wasn’t easy to find a way to permanently evade those pesky...  Game overs. Unfortunately, I had to make a... sacrifice.  A very, very pesky sacrifice at that.”

“What did you have to sacrifice?” Vivian asked. “Money?  Love?  Your...-“

“No, nothing that dire... Vivian.” The Baron grinned.  “In fact, my bartering chip might seem entirely insignificant to you seven!  I just had to give up my ability to taste and enjoy food.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.”

“That’s all?” Peach asked. “It seems like a really odd thing someone would want in exchange for eternal invincibility.”

“Yeah, it’s like...  Trading your kitchen sink for a set of new shoes for every day of the year!” Mimi shook her head.  “I don’t get it one bit!”

“I thought the same when I first become completely invincible, that I was getting a bargain, but regrettably...  I have since then changed my mind.  I am a man who likes to have all that he can and now...” He chuckled hollowly.  “I think I would like my taste back. Of course, I’m not giving up my endless life to do that, what would be the point in that?”

“Are you daft?” Lady Bow barked at Baron Bitter.  “Do you really think it would work out that way for you?”

“You just don’t realize do you dear?” Flurrie chuckled loudly and vibrantly at Baron Bitter.  “You can’t have your cake and eat it too!”

“Ah, but...  Madame Flurrie, I intend for you seven ladies to enjoy the cake for me.” The Bitter Baron grinned wickedly.  “You see, the relic I hold responsible for my loss...  The Tome of Yumm, as it has come to be called, is hidden by a rather ingenious safeguard to make sure that no one uses it for wicked purposes.  That man...” The Baron seized his cape and gripped it impossibly as he cracked his cane on the ground.  “...he made sure that the Tome could be accessed under strenuous conditions.  To do so I need seven maidens of great spirits...  And even greater size, like the woman he loved so much.  He had it hidden under...  The Thousand Pound Statue.”

“The Thousand Pound Statue?” Goombella asked.  “I...  I saw that statue outside, and...  I had no idea a woman could become so large but...  That statue of Madam Gorgina is just amazing!”

“Madam Gorgina?  You mean the woman who enjoyed cooking so much she became half a ton of nobility?” Flurrie blinked a few times.  “What an interesting Epicurean she is!”

“Yes, her.  Who else could I be speaking of?” The Bitter Baron had seemed to return to his calm, collected, and above all eery self.  “He made it so that the secret of the statue could only be unlocked by seven women of his wife’s...  figure...  And not just any seven noblewomen pulled out of a restaurant would suffice.  They had to have beautiful hearts as big as their appetites.  He wanted to make sure no one could ever access the secrets hidden in that relic.”

“What the heck are you going on about you weirdo?” Mimi yelled.  “Can’t you speak not-doofus talk to us instead of talking about hearts and spirit and size and secret relics?  If I wanted to see big words everywhere I would’ve vacationed in a book!”

“Mimi, I think, um, I got the gist of what he’s trying to communicate here.” Nastasia coughed lightly, sweating a bit upon realizing Bitter Baron’s plan.  “He wants us and our other guests to be those ‘maiden’s of great size’ he needs so much, kay?  You with me?”

“Not quite one bit!” Mimi yelled.

“You... You’re going to fatten us up so you can take that relic!” Peach shouted, causing the other girls to jump upon hearing this condensed version of the Baron’s wicked plan.

“H...  He’s going to make us big blubber balls?” Mimi screamed, devastatedly, clutching her head.

“You could put it that way.” The Baron toyed with his moustache.  “But that seems like...  Such a basic, bare bones way of stating it.  I worked so long to make this work that it just pains me to hear you boil it down into such simple terms.

“We won’t be part of your plans!” Vivian shouted at the Baron.

“I don’t want to get that fat!” Mimi shouted. “ Never!  Never ever, if I ever have to wear a mumu I would just DIE! And I’d take you with me, Baron Braindead!”

“Yeah, stuff it up your nose, Grayface!” Goombella yelled. “Besides, we can’t get fat if we refuse to eat everything you offer us!”

“True, true, but I told you...  I would like to imagine myself as a competent planner, and...” He eyed the open refrigerator and smiled.  “..After drinking those spiked Kero Kero Colas I don’t think you’ll be able to turn down anything we set in front of you, especially when its cooked by my illustrious assistants.”

“Awww yeah!  If I’m listenin right that’s my cue to come on in an’ shake things up!” The girls could feel their headaches return due to what could be considered the loudest, most abrasive Cajun accent ever, as into the room rushed the maddest, reddest lobster they had ever seen, gigantic for his size, wearing a torn up chef’s coat with holes jabbed through it to accommodate his lobster legs.  His jagged claws gripped a pair of dull chefs cleavers which he waved about wildly and carelessly as he skittered into the room.

“What in World 1-1 just happened?” Goombella screamed, running away from the ludicrous lobster.

“You, mon ami, have just gazed upon ze greatest cooking sensation to hit your eyes!  M’name is Crawmad Le’Spice and I’m here to burn everything you know about food to a crisp then sprinkle it into a bubblin bowl of twenty alarm chili!”

“To make sure that you would never escape I have employed a pair of wonderful combat chefs, along with my regular fighting force, to keep you ladies settled down.” Baron Bitter leaned on the door way, smiling satisfiedly.  “Just to play things safe.”

“Combat chefs?  You mean chef’s that fight?” Goombella’s jaw dropped. “That’s just crazy!”

“..And we’ll also be providin’ you fine ladies with some of the finest meals we can muster and I guarantee that you’ll love what we have to offer!  I’ll cook you up some three pound sirloins, top them with some spicy Cajun powder, and serve up a bottomless bowl o’ steak fries for you ladies to nibble on!” The crazy crawdad chopped his cleavers together eagerly.  “Our meals kick as much taste bud as we kick butt!”

“I’m sorry, but I’m on a diet you know!” The Princess scoffed at Crawmad’s maddening meal plan.  “That food sounds so decadent and fattening, I would never let that grace my royal palat-“ Peach could feel her stomach rumble uncontrollably, mouth watering as she imagined the steak and fries gracing her mouth.  Her murmuring tummy was quickly joined by the others.

“What?  No, a meal that ridiculous can’t be making me hungry!” Goombella shouted.

“I will admit it sounds just a teensy over the top...” Flurrie licked her lips.  “But I do have this sudden craving for something spicy and meaty!”

“I am...  To blame for this.  Like a craving for a midnight snack I draw you into the darkness of the kitchen, never to return from it’s delicious allure...  I am the terror that goes straight to your thighs...”

“Where’s that coming from?  Do we have another guest already?” Lady Bow examined the room.

“What you girls imbibed was an ancient Jutsu Juice hidden in your sodas...  I’m sure you can feel it’s effects right now.” Everyone was joining Lady Bow in the hunt for this mysterious voice, but they could find nothing.

“Excuse me, if you could just come out and quit hiding that I’m sure it would make things much easier for all of us, maybe we could talk things over over lunch?” Nastasia suggested, speaking over her stomach.

“I can do so...” Out from the shadows stepped a Sammer Guy, his helmet shined to a bright red and his chef’s coat even brighter, a metallic uniform adorned with pins and badges from so many victorious cook offs.  His sheath didn’t hold a Sammer Sword; instead he kept his ladle in it for easy access.  “But I’m afraid I already ate lunch.  The Sammer Chef never skips a meal, after all.” He bowed the Peach’s party.

“What do you mean Jutsu Juice?” Vivian asked, clutching her groaning stomach.  “And why is it making me so hungry?”

“It’s nothing too complicated.” Sammer Chef stated.  “It was designed with fattening Sammer Sumo Wrestlers in mind by making any food irresistible to them...  Needless to say the amounts I slipped into your sodas are well beyond the usual dose.”

“Oh no, you have to be out of your gourd!” Mimi stormed in front of Sammer Chef’s face, foaming at the mouth.  “I do not want to be a sumo wrestler!  I’d rather be a Chomp Wrangler than a sumo wrestler!  I’d rather be a Piranha Plant Dentist than a sumo!”

“I have to agree with Mimi, if you don’t mind me saying, all right?  But Sumo Wrestler is definitely not on my career tract...” Nastasia shook her head.  “Nope, definitely not conduct I can approve of, I’m sure slipping unauthorized flavor additives into your clients’ drinks is a class double A offsense.”

“You won’t need to worry about buying a mawashi...” Sammer Chef eyed Nastasia and Mimi.  “You’ll be far too big for that!”

“Not if I have anything to say about this!” Mimi stomped her feet and growled at Sammer Chef, before turning around and rushing towards the door.  “I’m going to go track down a lawyer and the second I get back I’m going to sue your skin off-“ Mimi was half way through the door when she collided with a woman entering just as she was about to exit.  She fell to the ground, landing on her bottom with a yelp. “Who are you and why aren’t you watching where you’re going?” She looked upwards to find out who had just caused her to fall down and upon seeing who it was she let out a loud, girlish scream.  “G... Gretchel Gray!” Mimi looked upwards to find a light blue Flipside woman staring back at her, hands on her hips and tapping her foot with a scowl on her face.  She wore an apron over her shirt and jeans, her styled and shined brown hair probably costing more to uptake than the entireity of Mimi’s closet.

“Ugh, Baron, I just can’t handle all of this!” She groaned, walking past Mimi, who was gazing at the television personality with sparkling eyes.  “You told me that there wouldn’t be any fan girls trying to run me down here!”

“I made no such promises.” The Baron replied, adjusting his moustache.  

“Well...  Once I you let me have my time with the Tome of Yumm I’ll make sure nothing like this will ever happen again!” Gretchel cackled as she walked to the side of Sammer Chef and Crawmad, smoothing out her apron.  “When I’m the Queen Mistress Empress of All Cooking I’ll have tons of body guards to beat up anyone who tries to ask me for an autograph!”

“Do whatever you want wizzat Tome of Yumm, just don’t hog it or I’ll have to chop you up like the cute lil bell pepper you are!” Crawdad swung his cleavers around wildly and indiscriminately, and he would’ve chopped off a piece of Sammer Chef and Gretchel if they didn’t jump out of the way just in time.

“And what are you going to do when you get a hold of the Tome of Yumm?  Cut it in half?” Gretchel stuck out her tongue at Crawmad.

“Of course not, that’d just be silly!” Crawmad guffawed.  “I’m going to use it to make the hottest meal ever made!  In fact, it’s going to be so superbly spicy that it’ll cause the oven to give up ‘cause it knows it can never be as burning, blazing hot as my Magma Meal!”

“That’s just ridiculous! You must have brimstone in your brain you lunatic!” Gretchel shook her head at Crawmad’s dream.

“You’ve got that right, it’s no where near as good as having a harem of hunky body guards around!” Mimi yelled, also shaking her head at Crawmad.

“Indeed!  That’s the sort of line of thought that I love to hear!” Gretchel winked approvingly at Mimi, who giggled girlishly.  “Sammer Chef, I’m sure you have something much smarter in mind once you get your oven mits on the Tome, right?”

“I have no intention of sharing my plans.” Sammer Chef coldly replied.  “A wise chef never publishes a cook book.”

“Typical!” Gretchel gritted her teeth, wagging her finger at Sammer Chef.  “You’re always so quiet and secretive and it just crumbles my crackers!  If you keep acting like that you’re going to scare away the tv execs, you’ll never get a show on the Cooking Channel!”

“Their loss.” Sammer Chef replied.  Gretchel, frustrated by Sammer Chef’s air of mystery, pulled out her cell phone and dialed up her agent, angrily fuming into the phone as she stepped out of the room, barking at her mobile all the way out.

“You see, ladies?  You have no reason to fret.  Every waddling step on your journey to massiveness will be attended to by these three magnificent masters of cooking.  Just make it easy on yourselves...  And on myself.” Baron Bitter pulled as his cane, sliding off the cover to reveal a large steak-knife blade, jagged to cut apart even the toughest of Muth meat.  He narrowed his eyes and pointed it forward menacingly at his unwilling guests.  “And if you try to escape, however masterful you are, I will make sure that my combat chefs keep you from getting too far.” He quickly sheathed his blade and smiled, in a sudden transition from cold hearted to simply creepy.  “Of course, after all of the meals you’ll be eating you young ladies won’t be getting anywhere.”

“Yeah, so you girls just sit tight!”Crawdad declared.  “I’ll be serving you up some Cajun crusted fried Goony Bird in a flash, you hear?”

“Sammer Chef, I think we have no more business with our guests for the time being.  Shall we get started with their...  Appetizer?” Baron Bitter began to walk out the door, turning around as he waited for Sammer Chef’s response.

“You go ahead, I shall meet you there.” He bowed to his employer.  “I sense that we have...  Four flies...  That have fallen into our soup! I must remove them.”

“Four flies...!” Peach shouted out as she tried to crack Sammer Chef’s cookbook cryptics.  “You don’t mean...”

“Intruders...” The Baron scowled.

“You want me an’ Sammer Chef to go chop them good?  You know how much I just can’t stand guests who don’t make reservations!” Crawmad squealed gleefully, waving his cleavers about readily to make mincemeat of Mario and company.

“No, I need you to assist Gretchel and our combat chefs in making the first meal.  Sammer Chef is more than enough to deal with these insipid invaders!”

“Well, all right! I can’t agree with the boss man! But next time I wanna deal with them, y’hear?”

“You’ll have your time, you cantankerous crustacean.” The Bitter Baron grabbed him by the collar of his chef coat and dragged him along as Sammer Chef pulled out a small sack.  He sprinkled the Ninja Flour on the ground and vanished in a puff of white powder, the door slamming shut in the process.

“Mario!  Luigi!” Peach smiled hopefully as she yelled out.  “That has to be them!  They must be here to rescue us!”  

“Of course!  The Mario Brothers aren’t the kind to let one damsel go distressed!” Goombella cheered.  “With seven of us locked up they’re going to rescue us in a Mushroom Kingdom minute!”

“But Sammer Chef said there are four flies...” Vivian piped up.  “That means that it’s not just them!”

“Maybe...  This is just a tiny guestimate, you know, but they could’ve met up with o’Chunks on the way here?” Nastasia pushed up her glasses.

“He better!” Mimi shouted.  “I don’t care if we’ll be having Gretchel Gray cooking at our service!   I had reservations to Yummo Land and I lost the receipt to the tickets!  No refunds!  I’m not letting a week’s salary go to waste!”

“Well, I have no idea who this O’Chunks fellow is, but with a name like that he sounds like a regular muscle man!” Flurrie chortled, her breasts bouncing from laughter.

“Well, that’s three out of four, but who else could be with them?” Goombella pondered.  “This doesn’t add up!”

“Well, whoever it is...” Peach’s stomach grumbled, louder than ever, but not loud enough to cover up the clattering of a convoy of chef carts, the noise increasing in decibels as their first course approached.  “They need to get here now!  We ave to get out of here before it’s too late and we end up beyond sumo sized!”

---

“So ye think y’ can just waltz on and kidnap all of those lassies like it’s ye day job, don’t ye?” O’Chunks cornered Bowser, King of the Koopa and all around Royal Pain, waving his fists of fury in the tyrant turtles face as he backed him up into a wall outside of the Bitter Mansion.

“I don’t know what you’re going on about you weirdo!” Bowser snarled defensively as he sidled the wall closer and closer as O’Chunks boxed the air inches away from his face.  “I didn’t do anything!”

“Y’just couldn’t stop with the Princess, now could ye?  I can recognize the face of an addict when I see one and it’s marked all over ye ugly mug in bright red magic marker!  And that’s why I’m gonna take m’fists and wipe it right off your face... With me big, angreh  knuckles!”

“Bro, I don’t think I can handle seeing this carnage!” Luigi squealed, his knees knocking and his goose bumps shivering.  “Cover my eyes before I faint!” Mario reached out, trying his hardest to stop O’Chunks, but it was too late.  O’Chunks reared back for a brutal upper cut, launching it forward and connecting it with Bowser’s chin, launching him into the air and into the side of the Bitter Mansion with so much force that Bowser’s spikes broke through the wall, pinning him on the mansions side.  Luigi slowly peeped through his fingers, cringing.  “Ouch...  What a punch!”

“Ooogh...” Bowser’s eyes rolled as he wiggled his arms hopelessly, trying to break free of the wall, or at least slip his spikes out.  “You’re tellin’ me, at least you weren’t on the receiving end!” Mario raised up his arm and walked up to Bowser, staring intensly.  “What are you looking at Mario?  Do I have to tell you again, I didn’t have a chance to take her!  You gotta believe me!  I’m innocent I tell ya!” Mario shook his head, disregarding Bowser.

“I hate to say it Koopa but you don’t really have the best track record when it comes to Princesses and vacations.” Luigi shrugged his shoulders.  “Why should we believe you?”

“Well, so what if I considered kidnapping her?  And what if I was just inches away from grabbing her and running for the castle?  This crazy cutlery clutching crab slammed a roller pin on my head and knocked me out!  And now I’m being ganged up on by all of you lunatics!” Bowser fumed so angrily that fire burst out from his nose.  

“Hold ye leprechauns just a second!” O’Chunks was stunned.  “You cannot be talking about the same lunatic lobster that ran off with Mimi and Nastasia!” Mario looked at Bowser, somewhat surprised to hear his story starting to match up with O’Chunks’ story.

“Another chef?  I wonder if he has anything to do with those crazy cooks that gave us a hard time back there?” Luigi asked, scratching his chin.  Mario shrugged his shoulders.

“Oh come on, it’s not every day that someone is dragged away by men in white coats, especially ones with forks and knives!  There has to be a bigger picture!” Bowser snarled.  “I was even about to follow them back to this mansion, but it seems like you all decided it was a better job to follow me instead!  What ever happened to innocent until proven guilty!”

“I hate to say it, but I don’t think Bowser is the source of our problems for once!” Luigi pleaded.  Mario nodded his head; Bowser was right.

“Well, isn’t this just a crazy turn o’ events!” O’Chunks guffawed.  “Makes meh feel sorta bad for clocking ye right up the chin!  What say we go out to the pub to make amends after this whole thing has blown oveh?”

“Pub nothing, we got to get back the Princess!  No one takes a Princess from the Koopa King and walks away with all their teeth intact!”   Bowser wiggled around more, his shell still stuck on the wall.    

“Yeah, but we might need to get you out of that wall before we can do anything.” Luigi suggested, his brother nodding alongside him.  “If we’re going up against a bunch of chefs with nothing to lose we’re going to need all the muscle we have!”

“Well then, why don’t you stooges pull me out?” Boswer yelled, slamming his feet against the wall, cracking it deeper and deeper, when suddenly he heard a loud, striking crack sound.  “Uh oh...!” In a storm of dust and rubble the portion of the wall Bowser was stuck to broke off from the rest and began to tumble backwards, Bowser still nailed in by his own shell.  With a loud bang the wall fell backwards, creating a large whole in the side of the mansion and leaving Bowser stuck on his shell, even more helpless than when he was wall-bound.  “Oh great, now I’m stuck on my shell!  Isn’t this just lovely!” He snarled.  

“Hey Mario, looks like we don’t even have to wait for a welcoming committee!” Luigi chuckled as he ran forward, jumping over Bowser and running into the mansion.  Mario raised his arm into the air.

“Oh, yes!” He yelled out, leaping clear over Bowser and running in after his brother.

“Mimi!  Nastasia!  Wait just one second and I’ll have ye out of there faster than I can pull a loose tooth outta me granny’s mouth!” O’Chunks hurried after Mario and Luigi, so eager to rescue his fellow former minions that he ran right over Bowser, stomping the turtle breathless as he remained stuck on his back in the giant hole he had formed.

“Hey!  You idiots, get back here and turn me over before I stuff you in the dungeons!” He yelled as loud as he could manage, flailing around pathetically as he tried his hardest to right himself.  “No respect for the Koopa King at all!”
Here we go, it's a bit late considering that I first came up with the idea after Beating Super Paper Mario so long ago but...

Here's my Paper Mario weight gain fic! I hope you enjoy!
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:iconmartmeisterpaladin:
MartmeisterPaladin Featured By Owner May 30, 2008  Hobbyist
I agree with the others. You wrote it commendably. :)
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:icontherealrng:
TheRealRNG Featured By Owner May 30, 2008  Student Writer
I do hope that this story goes down as the best thing in history involving Paper Mario, culinary puns, and fat girls. I would love to pioneer that genre, whatever it amounts to.
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:iconmartmeisterpaladin:
MartmeisterPaladin Featured By Owner May 31, 2008  Hobbyist
I'm sure it will.

I can imagine some of the captives trying to satiate their hunger by chewing on the bedsheets rather than the meals. :XD:
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:icontherealrng:
TheRealRNG Featured By Owner May 31, 2008  Student Writer
They would, but luckily the Bitter Baron already had the first meal waiting. He just needed them to drink the juice so they'd be hungry enough to eat a meal intended for a large party XD
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:iconmartmeisterpaladin:
MartmeisterPaladin Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2008  Hobbyist
I know, but they would try to refrain from eating it by chewing on the furniture. :XD:
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:icontherealrng:
TheRealRNG Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2008  Student Writer
True ture though I see some of the girls quite willing to eat the food, after all their vacation does have room service now.
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:iconmartmeisterpaladin:
MartmeisterPaladin Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2008  Hobbyist
I don't know, especially after what they've been told would happen as soon as they start.
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:icontherealrng:
TheRealRNG Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2008  Student Writer
Most of them are banking in the idea that Mario will be able to rescue them after they've had enough fine dining but before they can break the Baron's curse.

Though that just depends on how much faith they can have in that plumber XD
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(1 Reply)
:iconsirwales:
SirWales Featured By Owner May 30, 2008
I actually get whats going on! XD

My God, this is good thus far. The plot is amazing, the premise is good (especially with the ladies in question) and the name puns are back and better than ever. It's like actually playing a Paper Mario for FA's. Granted, the WG has yet to happen, but I feel it'll be immensely awesome when it does come.

Chuck Norris approves.
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:icontherealrng:
TheRealRNG Featured By Owner May 30, 2008  Student Writer
XD I'm aiming to give the Paper Mario experience a FA and WG twist... whatever the hell that's supposed to mean.
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